When the fog begins to clear

The darkness here has lingered
the hours have been long.
The notes have long since faded
of your old favorite song.

Morning after morning,
you drag yourself to life
with prayers for hurried hours
and patience to survive.

But where's the joy, you wonder,
the light that used to shine,
when you dreamed of roads to travel
and using every ounce of time.

You lift your head up slowly,
knowing this is not the way.
The sun still shines above you,
lost is not where you must stay.

Your pulse begins to quicken,
oh all the life there is
is waiting right here for you
along with all you have to give.

August 2016

the Lord's doing

"This is the Lord's doing, and it is wonderful to see." Psalm 118:23

I love journaling. During certain seasons I'm terrible at actually keeping up with it (which I'm sure a lot of people can identify with) and sometimes I'll write a lot more depending on what is happening. Sometimes it's as simple as a list of my favorite things about what's going on. Sometimes it's just trying to process a situation. But even if it has been several months since I've sat down to write, I jump back in because it has such a purpose for me besides remembering fun things that I did and people I got to hang out with.

Writing about what God is doing in your life right now will encourage you down the road when you don't know what He's doing. 

This morning I picked up a journal that I haven't touched in over a year, and read back to when I was in my senior year of college trying to figure out what to do next. I had no idea that God was about to open a door for me to go to California and serve as a missionary. I had no idea that I was going to meet some of the best friends of my life that year. I just had no clue where He would lead me.

I love reading back on those thoughts because it is such a great reminder that when things are uncertain in front of me, my God is not confused. He is not worried. He is steady, constant, and He has a plan for my life to lead me down roads I can't even imagine right now in this moment.

So many times I am focusing so much on figuring out what God is doing that I forget to remember all that He has already done. He has already done so much and never failed to prepare my heart for what He's planned next. He is faithful, friends, and He is not just leaving us to figure it out.

Right now I'm in a new season of transition and trying to figure out my next steps. And it's easy to slip into anxious thoughts and feelings of being unqualified - fear of failure is real. But just to spend a few minutes in His Word and to read back in my journals to see how He has patiently carried me through different seasons in my own life is enough. Such simple reminders - He is enough, and His plans are good.

Rest in who He is, and watch as He leads you down roads you could never plan on your own. And then spend some time remembering His glorious, unfailing faithfulness to us. Because He is so good.

In this season.

Many times it's hard to wait to reach a dream. Other times it can be hard to find one. Right now I'm in the middle of the latter. 

Last year I was incredibly blessed by so many experiences. I graduated college, had one of the best summers of my life at camp with amazing friends, and then followed God all the way to the other side of the country where I had adventures and made more friends and fell in love with a class of kindergarteners (who I still think about everyday). When I was in the middle of it, going from one thing to the next, I didn't realize at all the impact it would all have. 

Now I'm just another 23 year old working forty hours a week and trying to figure out what to do with her life. Nothing is totally clear anymore. I don't know where I'm going. I know that God will lead me wherever that is, but lately instead of figuring out how to make dreams happen, I'm just praying that God will give me a new dream. A new road to travel, and a new purpose. This season of waiting has been one of the most challenging periods of my life so far. Because I know now what it's like to work as hard as you can and know that your work has a deeper purpose. I know what it's like to build relationships over time and see the growth that God brings. I know what it feels like to be stretched outside of my comfort zone. And while that is uncomfortable, I know how good it feels to reach the end of a season and look back to see how much you learned. And I know that God hasn't pushed me aside or forgotten. He's still got a plan that I just can't see right now. 

I trust that God is in control. I believe with all my heart that He lets nothing happen without a purpose. And it's as important to figure out what you don't want to do as what you do want to do. So I will rest in that. I'll keep getting up and going to work. And I'll be ready when He's ready to lead me into the next season. 

Tune in.

My old roommate/soul sister would tell you that I tend to sigh a lot. I sigh when I'm stressed, and when I'm overwhelmed...and when I can't find the show I want on Netflix. And lately, for many different reasons, I've been doing a lot of sighing.

I've been doing a lot of trying to keep my head above water these days, as I adjust to a new town, all the pressures of a new full time job in a brand new industry, and a new phase of life without any of my best friends being within easy distance. It can be a lot to handle. When the stresses pile up, our brains sometimes go into overdrive. I know mine does. I will keep telling myself that when ______ happens, it will be easier. When I'm more settled. When I meet new friends that I get close to. When I find a job, or start my own business, that means something to me. When I cross this hurdle, or meet that goal. 

But the problem with that, is that it turns into living in the future when your mind is caught up in "eventually". And the problem with living in the future, is that you aren't as tuned in to how you could be living now. 

Oh how quickly I forget that it's not all about me. 

I could choose to wait until I meet whoever, or find whatever, or work wherever, to be content. I can feel sorry for myself that I'm not exactly where I want to be yet. But here I encounter a little beast called "self-obsession". How many things do I overlook when I'm only inwardly focused on what I wish I had? How many opportunities do I not even see because I'm looking ten years into the future when the doors are open right in front of me? How many lives could I touch or allow to enter into community with mine, but I don't see them right in front of my face? 

All I know is that I want to be tuned in. I want to first be in community with the Savior of my soul. The one who gave me this life to live. And He will lead others into it as He chooses in order to bring glory to Himself. I want to first work toward building my trust in His plan, rather than obsessively trying to fit the pieces together on my own. I want to first give all of my energy and efforts towards being His hands and feet, and pointing others towards Christ, rather than working pointlessly to draw people to myself. 

Of all the words I could write, of all the songs I could sing, of all the stories I could invent...

the story He invites me into is so incredibly more beautiful. I can see only a snippet of the story He's writing, while He can see how everything works together. Why don't I trust Him enough to lead me on the plan He has for me? 

May we trust Him, and love Him, ever more. And may the breath He gives us be used not to complain or to worry, but to praise Him and to tell others how truly wonderful He is. The world is waiting for a different message. One void of empty promises, and one that provides the answers that we so desperately need: we are loved, and the One who loves us offers us so much hope and meaning into our lives. If we allow ourselves to get stuck in "what if" and "eventually", we will miss out on living the now. And He has so much living for us to do, right now. 

So take a deep breath and lean in. He's got quite a story to tell. 

California.

When I was approaching graduation from college earlier this year, I knew what I did not want to do after I finished. I did not want to go home to my parents and find a job just to get me through. I didn't want to feel like I was settling for what would be easy. I didn't want to waste the time. I had no idea what that would mean, or look like, or what I would find, but I had confidence that I would find something.

I looked into internships with camps and other businesses and organizations all over the country. Nothing clicked. I looked, but thankfully didn't panic. The panicking never helps ease the pressure of making decisions that could change your life forever. I try to remember that.

One day I was at work at the bookstore and my boss Sharon got an email about an internship at a church in Tahoe City, California. She googled a picture right then, and something clicked. I texted my dad right then, and told him I had heard about an internship that sounded like a good option, and I thought I would apply. Fast forward a few weeks, and bam. I found out I was moving to California. I cried in my dorm room after I got that voicemail in absolute disbelief. It seemed like a dream.

After one of the most wonderful summers at Camp Greystone, I spent four days doing laundry and packing, and then I got on a plane. I flew across the country, got off at LAX, and had never felt so alive and simultaneously alone in my life.

After orientation and a final week of A+'s summer program, we started the real shebang. I don't remember how many kindergarteners I had on that first day. I just remember feeling so overwhelmed that I wanted to cry. I had no idea what I was doing. I am not a teacher. I have a business degree, and corraling five year olds is not a topic in accounting class.

It took weeks of adjusting, and getting to know my kids before I started to settle in. It took daily encouragement from my team to help me see that I could do it. It took learning what in the world centers were, and how to make them happen with anywhere from ten to seventeen kids. But little by little, it's come together. Through every mistake. Through every curveball.

When I chose to come, I knew nothing of the task before me. I wanted adventure, and I got it. I've seen beautiful places. And I've made some amazing friends. But I also have seen these kids grow and learn every day. I love seeing them, and hearing the hilarious and unexpected things they say. And most of all I love getting to tell them how much Jesus loves them.

I am grateful for this place, and the fact that there is a place where the most precious little people can come after school, have fun, and hear biblical truth. I am grateful to know them, and sometimes just watching them play and laugh, I am so overcome with love for them I could cry. Sometimes the greatest adventure is not hiking a huge mountain, or moving across the country, but giving your heart away every day, a little bit at a time. It's following God where He leads, and trusting that the uncertainty along the way will be worth what is ultimately revealed.

I don't know my next step when I leave this place. But I do know that I will forever carry the love and life lessons that a little tribe of kindergarteners and a wonderful church congregation brought my way. When you love people, God is glorified. May we never lose sight of that. And may God give me the grace to always lean into the adventure.

Moments and conversations.

A few weeks ago I was home for spring break. I drove my dad to Atlanta to see my mom sing with the Jubalheirs at Wieuca Road Baptist Church (sidenote: possibly the most beautiful church on the inside that I’ve ever seen.)

It was the first night I was home, and the first time I had been home the whole semester. During that time, my parents have been dealing with several things, mainly adjusting to life as/with a stroke victim. My dad had another stroke a few weeks before I came home, and it affected his vision. He had to quit his job, and he made the decision to stop driving for his and everyone else’s safety (which is why I was driving him to Atlanta).

The concert was beautiful, and the lights in the church were so pretty. Before we found the sanctuary, we walked around completely confused about how to get there from the parking garage. We definitely have been living in the country for too long. But we found it, and the concert was great.

We were driving home, and I was so happy to be back and see them. But, also I was just seeing for myself how the strokes had recently affected him.

While I was driving, my dad and I were talking. And he asked me about what I wanted to do after college. And we talked about how it’s been hard for me to not really connect and feel at home with a church since we left Centennial. And he asked me about how I feel about being single. No one ever asks me how I actually feel about that.

And we talked about my mom. He talked about how he dated some girls in college, but he said “It was fine, we went out and had fun. But it wasn’t like I couldn’t breathe. When I met your mom…that’s when I couldn’t breathe.”

He loves her so much. And he loves my brothers and me so much. And I love him so much. Even the possibility of being in a world without him someday scares me to my core. But, we can't live in fear of what may or may not happen. If we do, we'll miss out on what's right in front of us while we're consumed with "what ifs". You don't want to miss the little moments and conversations that seem simple but are actually precious and irreplaceable.

I am so glad to have a renewed thankfulness for having him around because of this season in our lives. It is so easy to take each other for granted, and to think that nothing will ever change, and that your family will be around forever. But there are only so many chances to drive back at night from Atlanta and talk about life with your dad.

No matter how many years I have left with my dad, I will be grateful for every single one. He has taught me so much by how he lives and by being true to who he is, and I respect and love him immensely. I am incredibly blessed by how he loves me, and thankful for the questions that he asks and how he cares about how I really feel.

He has been such a picture of God’s love in my life. I don’t ever want to fail to realize what I have in my earthly father.

When I left to come back to school, he hugged me a little tighter than usual. And he said “I love you. Don’t ever forget that. When you’re having a bad day, just know that I love you.”

And that’s really all that I need to know.

The little ledge before real life.

It's Saturday afternoon. I'm sitting in my dorm room that's a little too cold, on a fall day that's a little too dreary. Days like this, I wish that I could be home cuddled up on our big couch with my little dog curled up with me.

These days, I'm counting down the days until Christmas break, and after that I'll be counting down the days until graduation. I'm on this weird little ledge right before "real life" begins. Because, supposedly that begins after college.

But really, I know that that's not true. This is real life, right now. These are the years that I have spent learning about people and learning about how to be on my own. These are the years that I have been able to spend with my best friends from childhood, and also make some new friends that are now counted among the closest people in my life. These are the years where friends become family, when you're apart from your family for the first time. When I leave this place, I will leave with a strong sense of who I am, and confidence in who I've grown to be. Before college my confidence was tied to my family, my home base. That's still where my foundation is. But it's also grown to be rooted in who I've found myself to be, and who I know I can grow to be in the future.

College isn't the ticket anymore to be guaranteed success in life; my professors tell us this every day. Tons of people go to college these days. But my experience in going to college has given me more understanding, not just about books, but about life. About how to be human. About what other humans are like, even if it's not pretty sometimes.

Life after college will be filled with decisions that will lead me a little further along my story, whether that means a few states away or thousands of miles. But wherever those decisions take me, I'm glad that I made the decision first to go to college.

I'm so thankful for this experience, and what it's shown me, more about myself than about life. When I was getting ready to go to college, I was excited about getting to know new people, which has been a great thing about it. But more than that, I got to know myself. That's priceless.