The little ledge before real life.

It's Saturday afternoon. I'm sitting in my dorm room that's a little too cold, on a fall day that's a little too dreary. Days like this, I wish that I could be home cuddled up on our big couch with my little dog curled up with me.

These days, I'm counting down the days until Christmas break, and after that I'll be counting down the days until graduation. I'm on this weird little ledge right before "real life" begins. Because, supposedly that begins after college.

But really, I know that that's not true. This is real life, right now. These are the years that I have spent learning about people and learning about how to be on my own. These are the years that I have been able to spend with my best friends from childhood, and also make some new friends that are now counted among the closest people in my life. These are the years where friends become family, when you're apart from your family for the first time. When I leave this place, I will leave with a strong sense of who I am, and confidence in who I've grown to be. Before college my confidence was tied to my family, my home base. That's still where my foundation is. But it's also grown to be rooted in who I've found myself to be, and who I know I can grow to be in the future.

College isn't the ticket anymore to be guaranteed success in life; my professors tell us this every day. Tons of people go to college these days. But my experience in going to college has given me more understanding, not just about books, but about life. About how to be human. About what other humans are like, even if it's not pretty sometimes.

Life after college will be filled with decisions that will lead me a little further along my story, whether that means a few states away or thousands of miles. But wherever those decisions take me, I'm glad that I made the decision first to go to college.

I'm so thankful for this experience, and what it's shown me, more about myself than about life. When I was getting ready to go to college, I was excited about getting to know new people, which has been a great thing about it. But more than that, I got to know myself. That's priceless.

The beauty of the moment.

I just returned home today from roughly 10 1/2 weeks (basically 11) working at Camp Greystone for the summer. It's hard for me to find words to describe it, or at least enough time or space. I learned so many things this summer that will stay with me throughout my life, I met incredible friends who made every moment so much fun, and I got to teach and watch over some absolutely precious girls who absolutely amazed me with some of the things they said. Not to mention playing with puppies EVERY DAY at dog camp. Best job ever? Pretty much.

The best thing I learned this summer is about living in the moment. The age that we live in right now is constantly pulling you in at least six directions thanks to all the technological distractions that are always vying for our attention. But this summer, I got to have conversations with people who weren't checking their texts mid-sentence. We got to know each other without perpetual interruptions from the outside. I had 11 weeks worth of moments to just experience what was right in front of me, whether I was paddle-boarding or canoeing on the lake, having a dance party while we swept the dining hall, or just laughing together. It was so glorious. Do I now feel a little out of touch since I'm back in the "real world"? Yes. But it's so worth it.

What I love about camp is that everyone is excited about everything. I will never forget singing Party in the USA and Firework on the 4th of July in the dining hall. Or the multiple dance parties in the rain. We just had fun, no matter what it was. We wrote silly songs in guitar class, we talked in funny accents, and we just laughed SO MUCH. I just loved every minute of it.

What a blessing to simplify things for a few weeks, and remember how good that can be. There are so many things we miss when we're focused on too many things. I just want to stay in this mindset where I have time to notice the little things. And I just never want to forget any moment of this summer. What a blessing to have found Greystone! God is so good, and this chapter was just incredible.

More than this.

Sometimes I get so caught up. And I don't get caught up in things that are actually going on in my life, but I get caught up in wondering what in the world is going to happen in the future. Like a year from now, for example, when I actually need to probably have some sort of direction of where I want to go.

The world that we live in constantly throws images at us that show us how perfect our lives should be. Pinterest has me in a constant state of dreaming of how I can live in a perfectly organized, beautiful house, complete with whimsical nooks and hidden hideaways, and designer furniture. Don't even get me started on how Pinterest makes me want to travel for the rest of my life and never come home. Facebook tries to show me how wonderful the lives of all my friends are (I could write an entire blog just on this). The point is, we kind of always want more. And as a college student who is one year away from completion, I'm in a constant state of wondering exactly how to get it all. Of course, I know in my heart that the stuff doesn't matter. But being happy does. At my very core is a constant fear that I will look back in 50 years and regret all of the experiences that I never had. So here I am, past 1 AM on a Thursday night, worrying about this very thing. Wondering how I will choose the right job, or choose how to continue my education after I graduate from North Greenville, or God forbid how to choose the right husband (again...another blog could be written).

The thing is, underneath all of my worrying, and feeling as if don't measure up, and wondering if I ever will, is a voice that pushes through. From behind all the rest of it comes a voice that reminds me that "There is more." And I know that. I know that in my heart there is so much more. The stuff doesn't matter. The house won't matter. All the temporary things WON'T MATTER. What will matter are the relationships, and the memories of how I felt about the things that I did. Which leaves me with the choices of what I will do.

For now, I don't know what I'll do. I have no idea where I will be a year from now, besides the fact that I will have graduated college. I don't want to predict anything more than that, because I have seen in the last year more than any other just how much one's life can change in a short amount of time. I do know, however, that a year from now, there will still be more important things than what job I take and where I live. My relationship with my Creator will still outweigh everything else. That is where my focus needs to be; not on trying to figure things out, but on getting to know Him more every day, and letting Him show me the way to go.

I know that I can't be alone in feeling like I don't measure up to where I'm supposed to be. And the thing is, I'm thankful for it because it pushes me to strive to grow. But I also hope that I don't always feel this way. I hope that I can push through these distractions, and learn more and more to focus on what really matters. And that isn't having the picture perfect life; it's living the story that God has written just for me. When Jesus breaks through the chaos and whispers to you that there is "more than this," don't ignore it. Believe it. And trust Him to show you what all of that "more" is.

The beginning of the end.

I haven't written anything on here since the end of last semester, and now I'm at the end of another one. It's amazing how different this semester was from last one, and how different I am from who I was then. It turns out that a whole lot can change in a matter of a few months.

This semester I have learned so much.
I have learned that it is much better to be happy and on your own than unhappy and not alone.
I have learned that the people you have been able to rely on all along are the people you should stick with.
I have learned that some people come into your life for a season, and not to stay. But that that's alright, and everything has a purpose.
I have learned that I am more independent than I realized...or maybe I just grew into it. Either way, I'm confident that I can be on my own and be happy with it.

I have learned that I have a long way to go in learning how to love others. I'm not always the friend that I want to be, but I'm learning. I have also learned not to measure myself against others as far as friendship; just because someone else isn't being a good friend doesn't give me a free pass to not try. We should only measure ourselves against Jesus, and He doesn't give up on people. I don't want to either. At the same time, sometimes you have to realize that it's time to move on if someone isn't willing to try. Forgive them, and pray for them, but move on.

We can learn a great deal from our challenges, and we need to. Nothing is handed to us without a purpose. Challenges also have a way of making us appreciate things that we take for granted when things are good. We can get so easily distracted with newness that we forget what we already have. But I've been reminded this semester that I already have so much, and now I have even more because I've grown myself.

In a few short days I'll be done with exams and officially a senior. In college. Pretty sure that makes me old. It's the beginning of the end. The sentimentalness is already on high from me, a whole year early. But after all of this is over, I'm so ready for whatever is coming. This summer is going to be incredible, and I can't wait to meet new friends and see what else God is going to teach me.