Don't wish it all away.

These days, life is moving pretty swiftly. Every day when I wake up in a dorm room instead of my room at home, I'm reminded. Or when I look around in general and realize time & time again that I am in fact in college now. Which is totally crazy to me. My whole life, I had this view of college students and just totally admired them. Of all the people that have been older than me my whole life, I've always looked up to college students and where they were in their lives. And now I'm there. I am one of those people, seemingly waiting for "life to start" and yet already living "the best days of your life".

Even though I'm starting to get used to everything here, and slowly breaking into a routine that's becoming more comfortable, it's still not quite right. Because I don't know yet what's ahead after that. For now, I'm good. I have my classes, I have my work schedule, I have a church to go to. But what about when college is over? It's easy to want to get through this just to know what's coming in the next phase. I've been thinking a lot about where God is going to take me as far as a career, and if my goals, which I believe He has given me the desire to achieve, are even attainable. I was telling Emily about all of this, and about my feelings of inadequacy. I have probably ten "dream jobs" that I would LOVE to be able to do for a living, but I don't feel like I'm good enough, talented enough, etc. Then she looked at me and said something that I will never forget. "You're not!" She continued to say that God doesn't look at ability, but He looks for a willing heart. These are things that I know, but I so quickly forget when I let my worries and insecurities get in the way. I am by nature a worrier. I will worry a situation to DEATH until it's resolved. (I'm working on changing that.) But what I'm realizing is

I will worry away every day of my life if I constantly think about things that are coming. I will miss what I'm living right now, today, if I can't stop wanting things tomorrow to be perfect.

Things aren't perfect in life. They never have been, and never will be. But, every day definitely has its beauty. Every single day that God creates has some sort of value in the story of my life. And when I have a bad day, I might have a wonderful time catching up with a friend. Or when I get bad news, I might be encouraged unexpectedly, and see the Lord fill that need to overflowing.

One thing that the Lord has blessed me with is an eye for detail. I notice the sunrise, and the flowers, and the breeze, and the beauty in seemingly every day things. I can typically pick out something good in most situations. Which takes work, believe me. Because I can just as easily find things to pick apart and criticize. But one time someone talked about how so many details of beauty in the world are simply God telling us He loves us. And when I get a hug from a friend, or when I see a pretty sunset, I feel it. Even when that seems to be the only good thing about a day, that's something. He won't leave you empty.

I've never ever been known for being concise (again, I'm working on it!), but mainly this is all to say, that I don't want to wish away these moments in life. Every season of life is going to have its challenges and things that we'd rather skip over. But in life, the good comes with the bad sometimes. And my goal is to truly, genuinely, ENJOY these years. Even with the challenges, and the worries of growing up and making big decisions, and really stepping out on my own for the first time. To find the wonder in every day, to use those moments to appreciate God and who He is, and to also use them to encourage others. To not only grow, and discover where God is leading me, but to enjoy it all while it's happening. To keep count of His daily blessings, and appreciate them and this life that He's given me.

In the movie Ferris Bueller's Day off, Matthew Broderick's character said "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it."

How right he was. And I don't intend to spend one more day worrying about what's coming so much that I miss the beauty of today.

First week of college!

As of today, I've been here at NGU for a week. Which is ridiculous! The days have all run together, but I actually made it through the first week, which is quite an accomplishment. I am relieved beyond measure. But it REALLY has been a good week.

Thursday we left to drive up & we spent the night with my Aunt Jane & Uncle Dan about 45 minutes away from the school. My younger cousin Davin was also staying with them, & she was so cute. When we pulled up she was waiting outside for us, & for dinner she had made namecards for where we should sit. She's going into third grade this year & she's just super cute. Then we got up the next day & got all moved in & I got to see a bunch of people I haven't seen in ages (more on that later), & it was a ridiculously exhausting & HOT day, but went smoothly. And there's a picture of my dorm room on the first day down there for you to see! (it's changed since I've been here, but not much)

The next few days were filled with orientation activities. We had to go to tons of sessions about various things they wanted us to know about, & there was tons of walking & sweating & overall hotness (that's a trend, just heads up). And then on sunday we had church in the chapel, & started a crusade Sunday night with Dr. Frank Cox from Atlanta (represent!) & he preached for two nights & it was awesome. & then Wednesday, first day of classes aka chaos, Clayton King did the message both for chapel & for the crusade Wednesday night, & it was awesome. He did two totally wonderful messages & 50 people ended up getting saved on the very first day of classes. How amazing is that? Such a great start to the year. So that was really great.

Classes have been fine, we've just gone over each classes' syllabus, had to tell everyone where we live 34 times, & started a bit of work in each class. So that's all normal. Also yesterday I started working in the bookstore, which was totally crazy with everyone still buying & returning books but it was good too, I really enjoyed it & I'm super excited to be working in there.

Besides all that boring stuff, I LOVE being up here with all of my old friends! I get to see my best friend Emily almost every day which is so amazing. & there are so many other people I've either gotten to run into or gotten to begin reconnecting with too! So it's just awesome. The weather could improve, but the people I've gotten to either meet or start to reconnect with have all been awesome & I'm so excited to continue making new friends. I'm done with classes for today right now, & my roommate's gone home for the weekend so who knows what I'll do. But thankfully the tv works & I have internet hooked up so I should be able to both get things done & be totally lazy & get some rest. Can't WAIT to sleep in tomorrow, by the way! :)

Anyways, things are great, God is good & I love knowing that I'm right where He wants me to be. I truly believe that I am with all my heart. And I'm so excited about what He's already teaching me & what's He's still going to! I miss my dog Asher terribly as I knew I would, but besides that I'm doing alright so far with being homesick. :) Anyways, whoever you are, if anyone, reading this, keep me in your prayers & keep checking back to see what else is going on & what else God is teaching me!

Dorm room:

Joshua 1:9

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9



Sometimes I feel like a broken record on here. Mostly because my thoughts seem to be like broken records in my head some days, & they tend to recycle themselves & manifest on here in different ways. But today, God revealed some very new things to me, as well as build on some things He had already placed on my heart lately.



My sister in law, her mother, & my nephew came to visit for a few days & we went to the Georgia Aquarium. On the way getting back on the interstate to come home, we passed a sight that's rather typical of downtown Atlanta: a man standing on the side of the road holding a sign on a cut piece of cardboard, reading something along the lines of "Homeless, any help appreciated". As we passed by, I watched him. I saw his face as we, yet another car, passed right on by. I saw his eyes. I saw how discouraged he was, how tired, how exhausted he was in the heat. I know good & well all the things that are said about helping people "like him", those that are asking for money etc on the side of the road, for reasons, or maybe even excuses, that they'll just use it for drugs, alcohol, etc. But I can't help but wonder about his circumstances. I can't help but wonder what brought him to that point; where he woke up this morning, if he's had anything to eat today, where his family is, if they know where he is right now, or if they're somewhere else waiting on him to hopefully get enough money to buy some food to hold them all until tomorrow. I can't help but see the pain in his eyes & want to help. I can't see people like that & not feel so completely overwhelmingly thankful for all that I have & the blessings that the Lord has given me, both large & small. I can't see people like him & not want to tell him about Jesus & try to give him some hope, even when there might not be many other ways I could help.

In preparing for college, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I remember a time, many years ago, when I told my parents I didn't even want to go to college. I remember wanting to just be a stay at home mom, or a teacher, or something typical like that. Or wanting to own my own business to be able to afford a nice big house in a beautiful neighborhood in a beautiful town where everyone speaks with charming southern accents. But then I realized that if those are my goals, I am doing something very wrong. Not that there's anything wrong with having a nice house. But if that's what my life becomes about, there is definitely something wrong. If the desires of my heart are 5 acres & 4000 square feet, I am dreaming small. Because God wants to take me much further than that. The closer I am to God, the more my desires line up with His desires, & His desires are showing me that there is much more to be done than to have a nice normal job & a nice normal family. I want to go where He wants me to go. He has placed a great desire on my heart to help women. Of course I want to help all sorts of people that He places in my life, but I see & hear so many stories of women who are struggling & feeling constantly unvalued & the truth is, they just don't realize how special & wonderful they are & how much their Creator loves them. And I would love to be involved in a ministry to help women who need just a little encouragement & appreciation that they aren't getting, or maybe even more urgent help to escape a dangerous situation. Anything the Lord opens up for me to do. And even if He takes me in a completely different direction, I am confident that I can trust the verse at the top of this post, that He will be with me wherever I go. What an awesome God we serve.

I don't like change. I'm leaving for college in a week & even though I'm going to a town where I've lived before & I'll be super close to tons of people I know & love & trust, I still find things to worry about. I'm nervous about the unknowns that I can't foresee. But I know that the Lord is going to take me many places in life where I can't see ahead to what He's going to do, & that if I'm scared & I avoid taking risks that might take me out of where I'm comfortable & safe, I'll miss out on seeing Him work in incredible ways. And I pray that He makes me uncomfortable. That He takes me out of where I'm safe, away from people I use as security, to truly experience His presence in my day. The way I'm beginning to see it, if I spend every day comfortable, if I avoid everything different & scary, I will miss out on so many blessings. So here's to stepping out on faith. I want to have an open heart & open mind, ready to experience everything that God is going to throw at me that I have no idea about yet. The thing that blows my mind is that all the things that I think I want are nothing compared to what God wants to give me & show me. I just have to be ready to trade my expectations & wants for what HE wants, & be ready to exchange those for things to further His kingdom.

The Lord gave me a heart that feels for other people. I truly feel someone else's hurt when I see it. I have a very tender heart that can't stand to see other people in pain, but it also gives me a great capacity to truly, genuinely care about others & the challenges they're facing. And I want to use the love that has been given me, undeserved, & share it with those who so desperately need it. I want to be a person who gets to truly see God work around me, every day of my life. To experience His presence, & see His divine direction in my life. Because a comfortable life would be so very boring compared to all the amazing things He can do. After all, He is the creator of the universe, & He has promised to be with me, WHEREVER He leads.

What an awesome God we serve.

Family.

Yesterday at our house we had a family reunion. This is not something we have ever done regularly, in fact the only time we really get to see our extended family is weddings & funerals, which is just sad. So this year they finally decided to make it happen & do one, & we had it at our house. Let me just tell you. I have an awesome family.

My dad's side of the family basically all lived super close to each other growing up in Atlanta & they were all really close. My grandmother had quite a few siblings & they were all really close so then their families were too, which is awesome. Now, my grandmama & all her siblings are gone. We have a few wives of her brothers left with us, who are the most amazing great aunts ever, but sadly most of that incredible generation is dying out & taking the party to heaven. Whenever I talk to other people about their families & hear about various struggles & such that exists in their family circles, I am SO THANKFUL for my family. Not only do I have truly amazing parents who I completely adore & love, but they both had amazing parents as well. my grandparents were so incredible. And I know that a lot of people would say that their grandparents are the best, but honestly, I can't believe how lucky I was for God to place me in the family that He did. I have been loved my whole life & that has allowed me to grow into who I am today to be able to go out into the world & share that love with other people that my family has fed into me for my entire life, & most importantly, that stems into them from the love that comes from the most Loving One of all, Jesus.

As I sit here, leaving for college in three weeks, constantly wondering where God is going to take my life, I really just pray that God will use me as He did my grandparents. My mom's dad died before my parents got married so I never got to meet him, but I had three of the most amazing people as my grandparents.

My Papa & Grandmama (my dad's parents) were two of the most precious people I have ever, & will ever, come across. Even though I only knew them when they were much older, I could listen to stories about them & look at pictures all day long. They committed their lives to following Jesus, & they truly shared that love with everyone. I loved it when I moved to Georgia & started going to the church my grandparents had attended for so many years. Papa was still with us then after we moved in after Grandmama died, & it was just such a blessing to get to know so many people that had been touched throughout the years by my Grandmama. She used to buy packs of Juicy Fruit gum in bulk and hand it out to all the kids at church. And she could cook like nobody's business. She and my Papa had a marriage that many have said they try to model their own after, which is one of the highest compliments I could possibly imagine. I remember sitting in Grandmama's hospital room two weeks before she went to be with Jesus. It was the last time I got to see her & she was still able to talk & we were all just sitting around in her hospital room. My Papa was a huge jokester & always joking around & messing with you trying to get you to laugh. And that man LOVED dessert. A piece of lemon pie, Papa's favorite, had come on Grandmama's meal tray, & she had let him have it. They were talking about this to us & we were all laughing about it, & then they looked at each other. That look that I saw was the most loving, adoring look I've ever witnessed in my life, & one that has never left me. Not only did they have an amazing love for each other, but they loved me. Whenever we came to visit they just wanted to hear all about what was going on in our lives. As kids, we got bored a whole lot easier & weren't very interested in sitting around & talking for a few hours after we ate. But I will never forget how very interested they were in our lives. I could go on for hours about them. But I had another wonderful Grandmama, too.

My mom's mom, also called Grandmama, was one of my favorite people on this entire planet until her death last September. The whole time I knew her, my mom's dad was already gone but there was nothing lacking on that side of the family. My Grandmama was always cooking. She taught me how to make many of the things I love to cook. I got a love for cooking on both sides. I used to go stay at her house every summer by myself for at least a week, many times two. We had the most fun going to Waffle House for breakfast, going swimming in her neighborhood pool, going to pet stores to see puppies, & just talking. I loved her laugh, & she laughed a lot. Even though she was without my grandfather, she still stayed so active in her community & in the lives of so many people. I will never forget the procession line at her funeral on the way to the burial. The cars went as far back as you could see, on a very long straight road. She loved SO much, & so many people loved her. I loved her, & I know she loved me, & I was so very lucky to have her for the almost 18 years that I did.

A lot of times I feel extremely jealous of my friends. Lots of friends have families that live nearby. They get to see them often, they go on vacations together, they have all their grandparents & many times great grandparents too. But when I feel like that, I just try & remember how extremely blessed I was to have these wonderful people in my life. To have these incredible examples of love for others & loving Jesus; hearts that trusted God & prayed often; hearts that suffered many many trials but remained faithful & steadfast in their walks with God. People that loved me so very much. People that raised their children, my parents, to love me & encourage me, & to love Jesus & follow Him all the days of their lives, & who have instilled that love & truth into me.

Yesterday getting to see all my dad's cousins & family, & hearing their laughter sing throughout the entire house, & enjoying stories of years gone by now, I felt so completely blessed simply to know these people, but especially to be related to them. God is so good.

How great the Father's love is for us. How great His love is for me, that He would not only send His son to die on the cross for me, but that He would bless me so richly as well. That he has created so many wonderful things in this world to draw me to Himself, because He loves me. Without His love, we couldn't know love ourselves, & I am so thankful to know that love, & to have opportunities that I know are coming in the years ahead, to share that love with others that He loves also.

Whoever reads this, thank you. Even if no one does, I'm glad I wrote this because it's always good to sit & be reminded of how good God is, & how richly blessed I am. Thank God for family. Now, get off the computer & go spend some time with yours. :)

Taylor Swift.

This week I took a four day trip to visit a wonderful friend of mine in Nashville, TN. It was my first time to that part of Tennessee at least, & let me tell you, it is BEAUTIFUL over there. The atmosphere is amazing, the scenery is beautiful, both natural & manmade. All around a wonderful place. It was a really great trip, full of LOTS of singing in the car (5 hours of driving alone will do that), lots of riding in the car while we're on the car subject, & lots of laughing with Kristen! Since I was going to Nashville, I of course had hopes of seeing a few famous people, mainly one. And the people that know me the best of anyone know that that person is Taylor Swift. I just think she's just about the greatest person out there right now, & I love her personality, her style, her songs, & just everything about her. I went to her concert in Greenville, SC in September & it was incredible, & we came THIS close to meeting her but didn't get to. So I was disappointed but really hoped that I would get to later. So then since I was going to Nashville I hoped I would get to see her since she's not touring right now. But I knew that the chances were very small & I had pretty much put it out of my mind. So Tuesday, Kristen & I went to meet a lovely friend of hers & her sister for lunch & then went to downtown Franklin to this cute little frozen yogurt place called Sweet CeCe's. Being the Taylor Swift fanatic that I am, I actually recognized it from pictures she had put up in her blog before & so I was already just happy to be somewhere I knew she liked to go to. We were all just sitting there enjoying our delicious frozen yogurt & chatting when Kristen says "There's Taylor Swift." I immediately looked up & goodness gracious would you believe it, there she was. All I remember is that my mouth dropped open, & my hands immediately started shaking! I was that excited. I sat there & stared at her as she spoke to the lady behind her in line who was telling her how much she enjoyed her music, & she continued through the line. She was unfortunately in a hurry & was being rushed through by her bodyguard, probably to get back for her live webcast that was happening that day to talk about her new album, so I didn't get a chance to get a picture with her or talk to her. Either way, it was such a cool experience to see her that close while I was in Nashville & I've been excited since then, & today's Saturday now. :)

I normally don't do blogs that are so memory-based, how my day was type things. But I needed to do this one so I could remember it, & look back & know that it actually happened. :) So, for me & no one else, yes, I really did see Taylor Swift, & it was awesome. & next time I see her, I'll have a picture of us together & not just one of her back. :)

Birds & other beautiful things.

The people that are closest to me know that I have a thing with birds. I love them. They're so beautiful to me. That's one of my favorite things about the beach, is the birds that fly around & hang out on the beach, I always come back with tons of pictures of them. My friends have made fun of me before because I'm always pointing out birds that I think are pretty, but really, I just love them. I love how many different types of birds there are, & their different colors, & how much they vary from species to species. It's one of those things about God's creation that just amazes me. And they're such a reminder of God's provision. In Matthew 6:26 it says "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, & yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they?" The Lord cares enough for the birds that He created & He provides for them unfailingly. And He loved me enough to send His son to die on the cross, so of course He'll provide for me too. I just love that reminder.
But anyway, back to where I was going with this, I was sitting on my front porch watching my dog play, & a beautiful cardinal flew over to a tree in our front yard. I got to admire it for a few minutes until Asher spotted it & decided to chase it away. But I just loved getting to see it, even for just a short minute, because beautiful things like that just remind me of how amazing God is. He created this whole earth for us to enjoy. Even though we've messed it up in many, many, many ways, He still loves us & allows us to enjoy His creation, & I love how it just draws my mind back to how amazing God is when I see things like that. Especially when you focus on looking for ways to spot God throughout your day, the world becomes so much more beautiful. Every beautiful part of this earth is just a reminder of God's love for us & His grace, that even though I mess up daily, & some days I feel like I can't do anything right, God still loves me. And He reminds me of that in countless ways, whether it's encouragement from a friend, a beautiful sunset, sweet words from a little kid, or even a pretty bird.

We serve an amazing God, & I'm so thankful to be His.

Life.

The summer after high school is proving to be an eventful one. Between mini road trips to see friends, family things like weddings & funerals, hanging out at home being glad that I don't have any homework to do, working when I get the chance & hanging out with friends, I've been always doing something. Or not doing anything & letting that count as something just because it can.

Everyone you talk to wants to know a few simple questions. Where you're going to school. What you're going to study. When you leave. My mom wants to know what else I need. What clothes we need to buy. There's a lot of planning happening since I leave in less than 6 weeks. And besides that sort of planning, there's tons of planning for what I'm going to do once I get there. My schedule is set, major undeclared since I have no idea what I'm going to study just yet. But I still think every day about what I'm going to do, what the future will hold. My whole school year last year was planning oriented. Planning where to go to school, how to pay for it, what scholarships to apply for & when they were due, when senior events were, paying for aforementioned senior events...the list goes on. And now. Graduation is over. High school is done. Check, check. Now it's on to the next thing.

I feel like all I do lately is check off one thing & immediately look forward to the next. That's why life seems to be speeding up because at this age we're all so focused on what's coming. It's a series of countdowns. Starting with the countdown to high school, then to your license, then to prom, then to graduation, all with plenty of breaks and summer vacations mixed in there too. Then it's a countdown to college, & everything that comes after. AKA the rest of your life. Not to be dramatic of course. Yeah, right.

As a planning personality, I make lists alllll day long. Not that everything gets accomplished but I make lists and I plan what to wear & where I'm going & who I'll see. I try to anticipate things so I can plan for them. And now I'm left with feeling that so many things were planned for, looked forward to & are over & done with now. Everything that had to be endured to make it to independence & college are checked off the list. And now? Now comes the waiting. Waiting to move in, waiting to meet my roommate, waiting to start this new chapter in my life. I feel like the possibilities of where God could take my life right now are seriously endless. And I'm just waiting on things to happen, for "real life" to start. And I feel like this every day, like I'm just filling the time until actual things start happening.

Then I realized it. Yes, this is a new chapter. Yes, new & exciting days are coming where things will happen that have never happened before in my life & regular events will have new spins on them in my newfound independence.

But I've already had 18 1/2 years on this planet. I couldn't have gotten to this point, to be ready to go out on my own ready for whatever life will bring without everything before. Every person that I've encountered has affected me & touched me in one way or another. Whether it was people I didn't like, people I loved, or my precious grandparents whose lives are now only left as a memory, everything & everyone has made a difference. Trials, deaths, moving, storms, tears; it's all worked together to prepare me for things to come.

Earlier, as I sat out on my deck looking up at the most incredible display of stars I've seen, I thought "This is it. This IS life." There is no skipping the boring parts to get to the good days. There isn't any editing out the hard stuff. Together it all creates a beautiful picture. And I only hope that God is far from finished creating my days. Good & bad & everything in between, I want to live in a way that takes it all together & appreciates the value of every second. Every heartbeat. Every smile. Because we can't just sit around & wait for life to start or we'll miss the life we're living. Carpe diem.