Snapshots

When I think about my life, I see it in snapshots. Little memories that seem to define the way that I see myself. Little moments that had big impacts. Memories across the years that somehow make up the story of a person's life.

Last year while I was home during the summer, I drove to Atlanta to meet my brother for lunch. It was raining that day, and I listened to Ben Rector all the way there. And we had lunch at our favorite barbecue restaurant and then he walked me to my car and my umbrella flipped inside out because of the wind. For some reason, it's one of my favorite memories in my life. I was just so happy in that moment to spend time with him.

I could go on forever...memories from when my nephew and niece were born, when I saw my oldest brother again after almost 2 years, memories with my grandparents, and a hundred silly memories in between.

Sometimes we seem to think that life is made up of the huge extraordinary moments where you're doing something amazing. But what I've found is that life is amazing because of the simpler moments in between. The quiet moments in a comfortable relationship, the surprises that you didn't see coming, and just simply the moments where you're connected with the people around you. Those are the moments where we find ourselves because that's when we feel true joy; joy in loving others and feeling understood ourselves. You never set out to make these moments happen, but they do, and that's what is so beautiful about them because they represent the true nature of life; life happens the way it's going to and the way that things turn out depends on your reaction to the circumstances you wouldn't have expected.

So rather than trying so hard to be everything we think we have to be for people around us who are too busy thinking about themselves and who THEY have to be, why don't we just spend more time living? Why don't we spend more time loving those around us and learning about ourselves through the process? Life is just too good to miss, no matter what is thrown at you.

Aurora.

Sometimes you just need to sit in it. You need to read the names of the victims and see their pictures and read too many details about what happened.

You need to live it through in your own small way, just to catch a glimpse of it.

On days like this where the lives of people were taken for no reason, we can either ignore it because it wasn't anyone we know, or we can acknowledge that just because it wasn't us or someone we know, it was still people that we are connected to. The people that died early this morning in Denver were people that many of us actually would be connected with through friends of friends of friends. Children, young people figuring out life the same way we are, and people who maybe were a little further along in life. Whether we knew them or not, that doesn't make it any less significant.

I was working all day today and although I saw on my phone that something had happened, I didn't know any details of what exactly went on. And so when I got home and saw the news and saw the video and saw his picture...it hit me.

It hit me like it was someone that I know. Like they were people that I care about. Because they are people. And people are precious to the God who made each one of us.

The God who knows more details about each individual than the nightly news could ever provide.

And the God who created them hates the sin that is in this world that caused this to happen.

Life is just so sad sometimes. It doesn't make sense and it hurts and it is just plain scary. They were going to the movies. Up to this point, I have never thought twice about doing that same thing. But now? Going to the movies will feel different. Because evil doesn't have boundaries. Evil does not stop at the doors of a place that is meant for recreation and save its deeds for a scene of war. Evil does not draw a line of what cannot be touched before it enters a school or a church or a family's home. Evil permeates this world.

Things like this have happened before, and inevitably will happen again. What matters is what we do with it. What matters is that we spend a little time remembering the people who were lost, and grieving for that loss. Even though we didn't lose that person necessarily, we all have lost some peace. Because it could have been us just as easily. We need to recognize that and consider it. We need to let the stories that come out touch us, because they should. These were real people, real friends and sons and daughters and brothers and sisters that were lost.

More than that, this should be a reminder that this world is not the home that was intended for us. And on days like this, I find myself thinking more certainly, "Jesus, come quickly."

Lately.

Here's what I have been up to lately.

Monday and Tuesday I helped my aunt Helen paint her kitchen, change out the hardware on the cabinets and hang some pictures. This was all great, except for when I was standing on the counter painting above the kitchen window and holding the paint tray and talking about how I was accident-prone and I looked down and paint was spilling all over the step-stool and floor and counter. Yeah. That happened.

Luckily, I have an awesome aunt who not only did not get upset, but laughed. So we just laughed about it and I frantically started cleaning and apologizing and giving the step-stool a shower. And my cousin walked by the bathroom and saw me drying off the stool after I had rinsed and scrubbed it like a crazy person. And we just busted out laughing. It was just an exciting little episode.

But we got a lot done while I was there with them and we went to a great Mexican restaurant as well as a not-as-great Chinese buffet where the waiters were so eager to take away used plates that they were basically staring at you the entire meal, and we got to hear the song Unbreak My Heart not once, but twice. And I tried to tell my aunt, uncle, and cousin about the television shows I had watched the night before, but all that did was reinforce my belief that I am a horrible story teller. If I'm not writing it out, it is complete rubbish. Yes, rubbish. Which leads me to what I did last week, which was watch a lot of movies with British speaking people, such as all the Harry Potter movies and an adaptation of Northanger Abbey which was wonderful.

My dad's birthday was yesterday, so last night we had a nice seafood dinner at home complete with crab cakes, fish, scallops, and shrimp. Also, that Hershey pie that they sell at the grocery store which is divine. But enough about food.

I've been buying things for going back to school, as well as gathering things to take and hopefully sell tomorrow to give me more money to buy new things. I'm such a hoarder when it comes to clothes, and I typically hang on to clothes that I really actually hate, and I tell myself that surely I might wear it someday. And then I don't. So, now is the time to get rid of those clothes tomorrow and I am very excited. Also today I found a beautiful Vera Bradley bag on sale for less than half price so you better believe I snatched that thing up, and I am selling an old one tomorrow to balance out.

My dog is as cute as ever, and as excited as I am about getting back to college, I am not looking forward to leaving him. Even if he is at times way too loud and even though he steals little things and hides under chairs in the dining room to destroy them, I still completely adore him. Everything he does is cute. I am in love. You can tell because I have 200 pictures of him on my phone. But I am really trying to soak up every minute with him before I leave.

Life is pretty relaxed right now, for a few more weeks. I finish up my two online classes next week, and then I have 2 weeks before school starts during which I will be visiting family, packing like crazy, going to a Kelly Clarkson concert, and holding Asher as much as possible. But I am SO excited to get back to college & see my long lost bff's. It's gonna be great.

Enough for now! Seinfeld is on. Gotta prioritize.

2 AM reflections.

It's just shy of 2 AM. And while my ocean sounds are playing loud and clear on my clock radio, I am not asleep. So why not write about it. Not sure what "it" is, but we'll see what comes out.

It is now July 12th which means that I am a month and a day away from moving back to college. And who would have ever dreamed with how last semester was that I would ever be this excited to get back. But I definitely am. I miss my friends. I miss my cozy room. I miss doing laundry on Saturday mornings and watching The Nanny. I even miss the bookstore and the occasional cute boys that come in and are nice to me. They're one of my favorite parts.

But for now, for another month at least, I'm here at home. With completely unreliable work, and soon to be 12 extra credit hours under my belt thanks to my online classes. So it hasn't been a completely wasted summer. Definitely hasn't changed my life, but it's been somewhat productive. Not job-wise. But I'm almost caught up through season 2 of How I Met Your Mother, so I'm going to just pretend that that's an accomplishment I can be proud of.

I'm really ready to have a year that's "my year". One where things turn around and maybe start getting better. I want to find new friends that I adore and I want to find some handsome guy that maybe likes me a little bit, and Lord knows I am desperately hoping to make some money. And because I just read that last sentence, just because I want new friends does not mean that I don't like the ones I have now. I adore them. I would just like a few more to add to the mix. And definitely more of the male variety. We need more of those in our group. Preferably single ones, just saying. We've had enough of the bff's boyfriend type to last me for a while, thanks. Help me out here, Lord.

Until the new semester begins, (which should probably be called the Wondrous Fall or something like that to show it that I really have faith that it will be good) I'm just going to try not to lose my mind. And I'm going to squeeze in as much family time as possible, because so far those days where we get to do things have been my favorite days.

I feel like college so far has been a two-year constant nagging feeling like I'm on the verge of something, but never ever reaching what the something actually is. I've been flirting with the edge for 2 years now. And college is great and all, but I just know that there is more to be seen than what I have seen so far. And no, it is not simply more episodes of How I Met Your Mother.

One day I might look back on these days that I am tiring of, and wish I had them back. I probably will because that's how life goes. But right now I'm just ready for something else. Something new. Someone new? Because some of the people (read: guys) lingering in my head need to be nudged out by better ones. It's just time.

But until those new times wander in, I'll just be here listening to John Mayer and believing that my best days really are ahead. Because sometimes having hope in something ahead is the only way to make it through a less than peaceful night.

Oh, right, I have a blog.

So, even though I'm absolutely positive that no one killed themselves or blew anything up as a result of my failure to write the past nine months, I still must acknowledge that I have not written in here in NINE MONTHS. Which is crazy. And no, I didn't have a kid or something crazy like that. Thought I should mention that since that's the first thing that would come to someone's mind when I haven't written in nine months. Anyway...

It's been a long time, and while I have not written in here, I have definitely still been writing. It's just what I do. It's what I love to do. But I know that hardly anyone reads what I write in here, so I decided to take an approach that made more sense and just write for myself. But, who cares if anyone's reading it or not? I knew while I was writing the other blogs that hardly anyone was reading, and I was still writing. And after a good long break, I'm just ready to start back. There are so many things happening these days that it seems like a great idea to keep track of it on here.

So for the sake of explaining how things are now: I am at home for the summer. I changed my major to Business Admin. last semester so over the summer I have been doing classes online to catch up and be on schedule to graduate on time, and also babysitting. I've already finished two classes and I started another two last week. I'm preparing to go back to school in August, and more excited to get back this year than any other year so far. It's just gonna be that good. And I've been able to do some really fun things this summer which has been so great!

And here we are. Halfway through 2012, with half a year's worth of experiences to go. And this time next year I will actually have blogs to look back at to remember it. :)

I hope that anyone who stumbles across this will enjoy something that they may find here! It is just good to write, no matter who reads it.

Ramen noodles.

College life causes you to do some crazy things at times, and one of the most discussed areas of the day to day life that is affected during the college years is also one of the most loved by many people. Food.

With a tiny budget, sometimes ramen noodles and pb&j sound great to eat (sometimes more than one night of the week). You find yourself more easily satisfied with food of lesser quality when better food is a little harder to get.

Earlier tonight as I had dinner with a wonderful friend of mine, she made the comment that it's amazing how the most incredible relationship we have available to us, the one with the most unconditional love and grace and mercy for our wrongdoings, our relationship with Christ, is the one that so many times gets pushed back behind other things. It becomes less of a priority, when all reason would point to it being the very first priority. I mean, just look at the nature of that relationship, compared to others! God is trustworthy always, always looking out for your best interest, always loving you, always waiting to lead you in the right direction. He is the very best relationship we can have, and the very best friend to count on and understand us. And yet, we settle for ramen noodles. We let activities, romantic relationships, family drama, friend drama, and simply life get in the way of investing in the relationship from which all other relationships are tied to. Isn't that, as my friend said, baffling??

The truth of it is, the beauty of the nature of our relationship with God is that it's a choice. It's a choice that we are free to make. He is always waiting for us with mercy and love, but we have to make the step towards Him, and let Him take over. We have to make the choice to hand over control. We have to give up the ramen noodles in our hands and trade it for what that He has for us (which in my mind, would be some sort of glorious pasta with shrimp and other heavenly things :) ). His way is better. His thoughts are higher. If only we knew what we are causing ourselves to miss out on by clinging to what we know rather than trusting Him to give us life more abundant.

I am so guilty of all of this. This is why I know about it. It is a struggle, incredibly, to make God our priority. We want to depend on ourselves, and what we think is best, rather than trust Him. But, when we do trust Him, and we do allow ourselves to fall in love with the One who already loves us so much, we just can't imagine the possibilities of what He can do with our lives when we hand over the pen and let Him write it instead.

There is a quote that says "We will make time for the things that are important to us." Keep track of your time this week. What relationships/activities/other things are you putting your time and energy into? Are those things leading you closer or further away from God? Are they causing you to hold onto control, or to surrender it each day to Him? The way that you're spending your time shows what things are truly important to you. Only you know the true answer to this question, and if there's something that needs to change, don't waste another day doing it your way. We must be so careful, friends. Because I don't know about you, but when I cling to my little feeling of control, I always mess it up. When are we going to learn? When are we going to surrender? It's time to stop being satisfied with far less than we have in our reach, if we let Him be the one leading the way. Put down the ramen noodles. He has far better things in store.

Lessons from childhood.

Childhood is an amazing thing. During a person's childhood, they learn about the world, they discover new things every day, and experience things that can set up who they will be for the rest of their life. Sometimes we are lucky enough to meet people during this period of life that will walk with us through everything that comes after. Over the course of these years, there are a million things that happen, and a thousand events that occur. Many of them fail to touch us with their significance.

As sacred as innocence is, I wish there were some things that we didn't have to wait until we're older to realize.

1. The value of childhood.
If I got paid every time I heard someone say in high school or college that they wish they had nap time built into the schedule again, I would never have to work a day in my life. When you're a kid though, you're more worried about playing with whatever toys are in the room that you're being required to sleep in than actually getting any sleep. You don't realize how quickly your childhood is passing, and you have no idea how much you will want to get pieces of it back when you're older.

2. The importance of family.
I have been on this earth for almost 20 years now, and for several of those in the in between years, I didn't realize how important my family was. I have always loved my family deeply, but I can remember many days that were wasted by fighting with my brothers and being upset that something didn't go the way I wanted it to. I remember family trips where we were all furious in the backseats. And now that I live apart from my brothers, I wish more than anything that those times had been different. I wish we could have appreciated those times that we were all together with no state lines in between us. Not a day goes by that I am apart from my brothers that I don't miss them completely, and that I wish I had known during those years how special they were.
The same goes with my grandparents. With my dad's mom especially, she died when I was only twelve. At twelve years old, I hadn't ever considered that my grandparents would be going anywhere any time soon. And because of that, there are so many things I wish I could have asked her, things I wish I had known about her, experiences I wish we could have shared. But I was only a kid, and I didn't know that those opportunities wouldn't come. Losing all three of my grandparents now, and living without any for almost 2 years now has helped to teach me the frailty of human life, and not to take time for granted with those that we love. If only I had known then.

3. Save, don't spend.
One thing that I wish I had learned before now is to save my money! In our family that was encouraged, but it was never mandatory. As long as I've tithed money that I get, I usually didn't worry about any of the rest of it. And thankfully, it hasn't hurt me that badly, since college has been covered by scholarships and my parents have graciously bought things for me, like my car, that I would never have been able to afford on my own. But now as I am starting to save money for the future, I wish I hadn't thrown away so much money over the years on silly impulsive purchases. This is something I will try my hardest to teach my kids when I have them.

4. Count your blessings.
There's that song, "Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings, see what God has done..." I know that it's hard to realize just how much you have when your entire world is built around your family and school life, but I think that many things go unappreciated as children. First of all, there are so many kids walking around in brand names that even I can't afford. I mean, really? Honestly guys, I love kids but they are messy and pretty gross at times. And unless you never allow your child to do anything active or creative, those clothes are going to get ruined. Seriously, why would you spend that much on a child's clothes?! It might make you feel better for them to look nice (for an hour or two before they ruin it), but they definitely don't care that they are wearing Ralph Lauren right now. But, I digress. The point here is, it is easy to overlook how blessed we are. When I was younger, I didn't realize that not everyone had parents that loved me as much as mine did. I didn't know that there were other kids who lived in less than suitable living conditions. I didn't understand that I was richly blessed, just by having my basic needs met both emotionally and physically. This isn't a point that I wish we only realized in childhood, but something that we constantly work to realize.

5. Hard work is hard, but so worth it.
When I was a kid, I was kind of a quitter.
Some examples:
I played piano for two years (quit to play flute in the band),
flute for one year (quit because I moved),
I played baseball for a year, (Joined because both my brothers played, and I wanted to be like them...and have the cool outfit. Then, quit because I wasn't very good, to be honest. I was in 1st grade...)
I cheerleaded for a year. (Quit because I didn't like practicing so much. Honestly, people, that was my excuse! Oh, younger me.)
I played basketball for four years (getting better...).
Obviously, I didn't stick to many things that I started. And these are just major examples. While I appreciate that my parents let us do things we were interested in and didn't force us to do things we didn't want to, I now realize that a little force might have been good for me. I wish now that I had stuck to some of these things, mainly the piano and some sports activity, and put in the time to get good at them. The things that are harder to do are always more rewarding because of the time you put into them. The greatest accomplishments come from the greatest challenges. And I realize now that I probably missed out on some things back then because of it.

Childhood is a time when we learn about the world around us, and as I've gotten older, I really wish I had been able to know how important these things would be down the road. But, life is a journey and if we knew everything at the beginning, I guess we wouldn't be able to learn as much as we go, right?

These are just a few of the things I wish I had known about then that have impacted how my life is now. What would you add to this list? What are things that you wish you had known/realized when you were a kid? I'd love to hear from you.