More than this.

Sometimes I get so caught up. And I don't get caught up in things that are actually going on in my life, but I get caught up in wondering what in the world is going to happen in the future. Like a year from now, for example, when I actually need to probably have some sort of direction of where I want to go.

The world that we live in constantly throws images at us that show us how perfect our lives should be. Pinterest has me in a constant state of dreaming of how I can live in a perfectly organized, beautiful house, complete with whimsical nooks and hidden hideaways, and designer furniture. Don't even get me started on how Pinterest makes me want to travel for the rest of my life and never come home. Facebook tries to show me how wonderful the lives of all my friends are (I could write an entire blog just on this). The point is, we kind of always want more. And as a college student who is one year away from completion, I'm in a constant state of wondering exactly how to get it all. Of course, I know in my heart that the stuff doesn't matter. But being happy does. At my very core is a constant fear that I will look back in 50 years and regret all of the experiences that I never had. So here I am, past 1 AM on a Thursday night, worrying about this very thing. Wondering how I will choose the right job, or choose how to continue my education after I graduate from North Greenville, or God forbid how to choose the right husband (again...another blog could be written).

The thing is, underneath all of my worrying, and feeling as if don't measure up, and wondering if I ever will, is a voice that pushes through. From behind all the rest of it comes a voice that reminds me that "There is more." And I know that. I know that in my heart there is so much more. The stuff doesn't matter. The house won't matter. All the temporary things WON'T MATTER. What will matter are the relationships, and the memories of how I felt about the things that I did. Which leaves me with the choices of what I will do.

For now, I don't know what I'll do. I have no idea where I will be a year from now, besides the fact that I will have graduated college. I don't want to predict anything more than that, because I have seen in the last year more than any other just how much one's life can change in a short amount of time. I do know, however, that a year from now, there will still be more important things than what job I take and where I live. My relationship with my Creator will still outweigh everything else. That is where my focus needs to be; not on trying to figure things out, but on getting to know Him more every day, and letting Him show me the way to go.

I know that I can't be alone in feeling like I don't measure up to where I'm supposed to be. And the thing is, I'm thankful for it because it pushes me to strive to grow. But I also hope that I don't always feel this way. I hope that I can push through these distractions, and learn more and more to focus on what really matters. And that isn't having the picture perfect life; it's living the story that God has written just for me. When Jesus breaks through the chaos and whispers to you that there is "more than this," don't ignore it. Believe it. And trust Him to show you what all of that "more" is.

The beginning of the end.

I haven't written anything on here since the end of last semester, and now I'm at the end of another one. It's amazing how different this semester was from last one, and how different I am from who I was then. It turns out that a whole lot can change in a matter of a few months.

This semester I have learned so much.
I have learned that it is much better to be happy and on your own than unhappy and not alone.
I have learned that the people you have been able to rely on all along are the people you should stick with.
I have learned that some people come into your life for a season, and not to stay. But that that's alright, and everything has a purpose.
I have learned that I am more independent than I realized...or maybe I just grew into it. Either way, I'm confident that I can be on my own and be happy with it.

I have learned that I have a long way to go in learning how to love others. I'm not always the friend that I want to be, but I'm learning. I have also learned not to measure myself against others as far as friendship; just because someone else isn't being a good friend doesn't give me a free pass to not try. We should only measure ourselves against Jesus, and He doesn't give up on people. I don't want to either. At the same time, sometimes you have to realize that it's time to move on if someone isn't willing to try. Forgive them, and pray for them, but move on.

We can learn a great deal from our challenges, and we need to. Nothing is handed to us without a purpose. Challenges also have a way of making us appreciate things that we take for granted when things are good. We can get so easily distracted with newness that we forget what we already have. But I've been reminded this semester that I already have so much, and now I have even more because I've grown myself.

In a few short days I'll be done with exams and officially a senior. In college. Pretty sure that makes me old. It's the beginning of the end. The sentimentalness is already on high from me, a whole year early. But after all of this is over, I'm so ready for whatever is coming. This summer is going to be incredible, and I can't wait to meet new friends and see what else God is going to teach me.

Another semester is done.

Despite some strong doubts I had this week in the midst of finals, I finished my fifth semester of college yesterday. I now have less time to go in college than what's behind me. Over halfway done, people! Insanity. I feel old.

This semester was so incredible. I could try to think of other words to convey that to you, but I'd rather describe the incredulity of it all. Less than four months ago, I pulled up to my familiar dorm to meet some unfamiliar faces and start a new year. And on that day, I met two people who are now a lot more like sisters than anything else. On top of all that, I got to keep my favorite redheaded roommate from last year as a suitemate, and along with her roommate we formed a nice little group. Add to that my RA from last year and there you have my circle of friends from this semester. It was such a transition to go from spending all of my time with my best friend Emily and childhood friend Lindsey (who I'll hopefully be able to spend more time with next semester) to always being with another group of people. But life is full of transitions, and with crazy schedules and a generally busy semester for everyone, things happened like they did. I had plenty of time to get to know these wonderful people, and I am so thankful that God brought them into my life. This semester was admittedly not my strongest academically (not for a perfectionist, anyway), but I absolutely enjoyed it more than any other because of who I got to experience it with.

Now, we're three weeks from Christmas. And I have 6 weeks before I have to go back to school, which is crazy on its own. But I've got plenty of time to have fun, and that is what I'm going to try to do before diving into this next semester! Next week I'm headed to North Carolina with Kerry to stay with/spend time with Jessica and Holly. After that, it's wide open. But hopefully it will be a relaxing, enjoyable break.

God is teaching me so much about trusting Him. Let's be honest. It's not an easy thing. There are so many things about my life that the control freak in me freaks out about. Things like finding a job for next semester and what I need to do over the summer as either a job or internship. The truth is though, this is real life. Some things will always be up in the air, and when those things get figured out, there will be new things to face. We just have to remember that we're not in control. It's a terrifying and simultaneously freeing truth. Honestly, I'm so afraid of looking back in the years to come and feeling that I failed. I don't want to miss chances or opportunities and regret it later. I'm learning to take leaps of faith. I have to learn to step out on as many limbs as it takes, and to trust Him because He's got a view of the whole picture that I do not. The things that worry me today are things that He already has completely planned for me. His plans serve greater purposes than the goals I'm trying to achieve. Most importantly, He loves me and He WILL take care of me. It just takes a few more reminders some days than others.

All I know is that 8 or 9 months ago, I was a wreck. And somehow I pushed through it and God brought me through to where I am now, and blessed me so tremendously along the way with people that love me and are here to walk with me through it all. If I can just keep trusting Him, He will bring me through anything else that comes up.

I serve a wonderful God, and He is not finished growing me.

Progress.

I'm home for the first time in eight weeks. And let me tell you, it feels weird. After being at school for so long and being used to being there, it is just kind of strange. It was even weird yesterday when I would see my dog come into the room. It didn't feel real after being away from him for so long.

Today I got to have lunch with my best friend from high school, Lauren. We went to eat Mexican food and sat across the table getting updated on each other's lives. And it is incredible how different things are now. Every piece of my life seems to be changing. And the girl writing this right now is not a fan of change, my friends. I've been known to have a hard time with it. But all of these changes are so good. God is so good. And He is taking care of me, and I know with absolute certainty that I'm absolutely right where I'm supposed to be when I'm at school. God has given me friends this year that feel a lot more like family, and I can't even describe how amazing that is.

I know that I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm finally turning into the girl I've wanted to be for a long time. And that is an incredible feeling.

Things are just finally looking up, and that is such a blessing.

Full.

Call it a girl thing. But sometimes you just have those days where you're constantly on the edge of breaking down in tears about twice every five minutes. For almost no reason. I'm pretty sure that if someone came up to me and hugged me today I would have lost it.

And it's not even that I'm necessarily sad. It's more of a fullness. An emotional fullness. Something like being overwhelmed. Not just with the bad, but with the good.

Today I am just reminded that God is faithful. I was sitting in math class and for some reason remembered way back to when my dad would come to eat lunch with me when I was in elementary school about 10 minutes away from where I now attend college. He would bring whatever I wanted from some restaurant - usually Subway, because I love sandwiches as much as any man - and we would go and sit across the road at a concrete table and have lunch together. This memory came to me in the middle of my statistics class. And as I'm sitting there trying not to burst into tears from the preciousness of it all, I was just overwhelmed with how blessed I am to have my father. Not everyone has one that loves them like my father loves me. And sometimes I forget it.

This past Sunday was Grandparents' Day, which left me as a mess on Sunday too. My dad's mom has been gone 8 years, my dad's dad almost 6 years, and my mom's mom three years this week. I'm not exaggerating when I say I miss them every minute of every day. I was so blessed to have them for the years that I did, and I only wish I had had more time.

On top of all these things, I am homesick and missing my parents. And my little dog. Which is not unusual, but adds another layer.

And the top layer on this extremely emotional mess of a cake is complete and utter thankfulness for the friends that God has brought to me recently. I am so incredibly blessed, and I do not take that for granted after the times when I have felt alone here at school.

God is just so good, friends. He is so good. I can't get over it. I am writing this in my weepy state, and listening to music proclaming the truth about the God that I am blessed to call mine. He has brought me this far, which is amazing on its own, and yet He continues to carry me further. Step by step. I have known a lot about God from the time I was little, thanks to a Christian upbringing. But the further I continue on this road, I just realize in my heart more than my head, how good and real and close to me He really is. And all I can do is cry. And He's here for that part, too. And day by day, I will choose to love Him for that, and everything else that He is, because He is everything.

Snapshots

When I think about my life, I see it in snapshots. Little memories that seem to define the way that I see myself. Little moments that had big impacts. Memories across the years that somehow make up the story of a person's life.

Last year while I was home during the summer, I drove to Atlanta to meet my brother for lunch. It was raining that day, and I listened to Ben Rector all the way there. And we had lunch at our favorite barbecue restaurant and then he walked me to my car and my umbrella flipped inside out because of the wind. For some reason, it's one of my favorite memories in my life. I was just so happy in that moment to spend time with him.

I could go on forever...memories from when my nephew and niece were born, when I saw my oldest brother again after almost 2 years, memories with my grandparents, and a hundred silly memories in between.

Sometimes we seem to think that life is made up of the huge extraordinary moments where you're doing something amazing. But what I've found is that life is amazing because of the simpler moments in between. The quiet moments in a comfortable relationship, the surprises that you didn't see coming, and just simply the moments where you're connected with the people around you. Those are the moments where we find ourselves because that's when we feel true joy; joy in loving others and feeling understood ourselves. You never set out to make these moments happen, but they do, and that's what is so beautiful about them because they represent the true nature of life; life happens the way it's going to and the way that things turn out depends on your reaction to the circumstances you wouldn't have expected.

So rather than trying so hard to be everything we think we have to be for people around us who are too busy thinking about themselves and who THEY have to be, why don't we just spend more time living? Why don't we spend more time loving those around us and learning about ourselves through the process? Life is just too good to miss, no matter what is thrown at you.

Aurora.

Sometimes you just need to sit in it. You need to read the names of the victims and see their pictures and read too many details about what happened.

You need to live it through in your own small way, just to catch a glimpse of it.

On days like this where the lives of people were taken for no reason, we can either ignore it because it wasn't anyone we know, or we can acknowledge that just because it wasn't us or someone we know, it was still people that we are connected to. The people that died early this morning in Denver were people that many of us actually would be connected with through friends of friends of friends. Children, young people figuring out life the same way we are, and people who maybe were a little further along in life. Whether we knew them or not, that doesn't make it any less significant.

I was working all day today and although I saw on my phone that something had happened, I didn't know any details of what exactly went on. And so when I got home and saw the news and saw the video and saw his picture...it hit me.

It hit me like it was someone that I know. Like they were people that I care about. Because they are people. And people are precious to the God who made each one of us.

The God who knows more details about each individual than the nightly news could ever provide.

And the God who created them hates the sin that is in this world that caused this to happen.

Life is just so sad sometimes. It doesn't make sense and it hurts and it is just plain scary. They were going to the movies. Up to this point, I have never thought twice about doing that same thing. But now? Going to the movies will feel different. Because evil doesn't have boundaries. Evil does not stop at the doors of a place that is meant for recreation and save its deeds for a scene of war. Evil does not draw a line of what cannot be touched before it enters a school or a church or a family's home. Evil permeates this world.

Things like this have happened before, and inevitably will happen again. What matters is what we do with it. What matters is that we spend a little time remembering the people who were lost, and grieving for that loss. Even though we didn't lose that person necessarily, we all have lost some peace. Because it could have been us just as easily. We need to recognize that and consider it. We need to let the stories that come out touch us, because they should. These were real people, real friends and sons and daughters and brothers and sisters that were lost.

More than that, this should be a reminder that this world is not the home that was intended for us. And on days like this, I find myself thinking more certainly, "Jesus, come quickly."