Another semester is done.

Despite some strong doubts I had this week in the midst of finals, I finished my fifth semester of college yesterday. I now have less time to go in college than what's behind me. Over halfway done, people! Insanity. I feel old.

This semester was so incredible. I could try to think of other words to convey that to you, but I'd rather describe the incredulity of it all. Less than four months ago, I pulled up to my familiar dorm to meet some unfamiliar faces and start a new year. And on that day, I met two people who are now a lot more like sisters than anything else. On top of all that, I got to keep my favorite redheaded roommate from last year as a suitemate, and along with her roommate we formed a nice little group. Add to that my RA from last year and there you have my circle of friends from this semester. It was such a transition to go from spending all of my time with my best friend Emily and childhood friend Lindsey (who I'll hopefully be able to spend more time with next semester) to always being with another group of people. But life is full of transitions, and with crazy schedules and a generally busy semester for everyone, things happened like they did. I had plenty of time to get to know these wonderful people, and I am so thankful that God brought them into my life. This semester was admittedly not my strongest academically (not for a perfectionist, anyway), but I absolutely enjoyed it more than any other because of who I got to experience it with.

Now, we're three weeks from Christmas. And I have 6 weeks before I have to go back to school, which is crazy on its own. But I've got plenty of time to have fun, and that is what I'm going to try to do before diving into this next semester! Next week I'm headed to North Carolina with Kerry to stay with/spend time with Jessica and Holly. After that, it's wide open. But hopefully it will be a relaxing, enjoyable break.

God is teaching me so much about trusting Him. Let's be honest. It's not an easy thing. There are so many things about my life that the control freak in me freaks out about. Things like finding a job for next semester and what I need to do over the summer as either a job or internship. The truth is though, this is real life. Some things will always be up in the air, and when those things get figured out, there will be new things to face. We just have to remember that we're not in control. It's a terrifying and simultaneously freeing truth. Honestly, I'm so afraid of looking back in the years to come and feeling that I failed. I don't want to miss chances or opportunities and regret it later. I'm learning to take leaps of faith. I have to learn to step out on as many limbs as it takes, and to trust Him because He's got a view of the whole picture that I do not. The things that worry me today are things that He already has completely planned for me. His plans serve greater purposes than the goals I'm trying to achieve. Most importantly, He loves me and He WILL take care of me. It just takes a few more reminders some days than others.

All I know is that 8 or 9 months ago, I was a wreck. And somehow I pushed through it and God brought me through to where I am now, and blessed me so tremendously along the way with people that love me and are here to walk with me through it all. If I can just keep trusting Him, He will bring me through anything else that comes up.

I serve a wonderful God, and He is not finished growing me.

Progress.

I'm home for the first time in eight weeks. And let me tell you, it feels weird. After being at school for so long and being used to being there, it is just kind of strange. It was even weird yesterday when I would see my dog come into the room. It didn't feel real after being away from him for so long.

Today I got to have lunch with my best friend from high school, Lauren. We went to eat Mexican food and sat across the table getting updated on each other's lives. And it is incredible how different things are now. Every piece of my life seems to be changing. And the girl writing this right now is not a fan of change, my friends. I've been known to have a hard time with it. But all of these changes are so good. God is so good. And He is taking care of me, and I know with absolute certainty that I'm absolutely right where I'm supposed to be when I'm at school. God has given me friends this year that feel a lot more like family, and I can't even describe how amazing that is.

I know that I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm finally turning into the girl I've wanted to be for a long time. And that is an incredible feeling.

Things are just finally looking up, and that is such a blessing.

Full.

Call it a girl thing. But sometimes you just have those days where you're constantly on the edge of breaking down in tears about twice every five minutes. For almost no reason. I'm pretty sure that if someone came up to me and hugged me today I would have lost it.

And it's not even that I'm necessarily sad. It's more of a fullness. An emotional fullness. Something like being overwhelmed. Not just with the bad, but with the good.

Today I am just reminded that God is faithful. I was sitting in math class and for some reason remembered way back to when my dad would come to eat lunch with me when I was in elementary school about 10 minutes away from where I now attend college. He would bring whatever I wanted from some restaurant - usually Subway, because I love sandwiches as much as any man - and we would go and sit across the road at a concrete table and have lunch together. This memory came to me in the middle of my statistics class. And as I'm sitting there trying not to burst into tears from the preciousness of it all, I was just overwhelmed with how blessed I am to have my father. Not everyone has one that loves them like my father loves me. And sometimes I forget it.

This past Sunday was Grandparents' Day, which left me as a mess on Sunday too. My dad's mom has been gone 8 years, my dad's dad almost 6 years, and my mom's mom three years this week. I'm not exaggerating when I say I miss them every minute of every day. I was so blessed to have them for the years that I did, and I only wish I had had more time.

On top of all these things, I am homesick and missing my parents. And my little dog. Which is not unusual, but adds another layer.

And the top layer on this extremely emotional mess of a cake is complete and utter thankfulness for the friends that God has brought to me recently. I am so incredibly blessed, and I do not take that for granted after the times when I have felt alone here at school.

God is just so good, friends. He is so good. I can't get over it. I am writing this in my weepy state, and listening to music proclaming the truth about the God that I am blessed to call mine. He has brought me this far, which is amazing on its own, and yet He continues to carry me further. Step by step. I have known a lot about God from the time I was little, thanks to a Christian upbringing. But the further I continue on this road, I just realize in my heart more than my head, how good and real and close to me He really is. And all I can do is cry. And He's here for that part, too. And day by day, I will choose to love Him for that, and everything else that He is, because He is everything.

Snapshots

When I think about my life, I see it in snapshots. Little memories that seem to define the way that I see myself. Little moments that had big impacts. Memories across the years that somehow make up the story of a person's life.

Last year while I was home during the summer, I drove to Atlanta to meet my brother for lunch. It was raining that day, and I listened to Ben Rector all the way there. And we had lunch at our favorite barbecue restaurant and then he walked me to my car and my umbrella flipped inside out because of the wind. For some reason, it's one of my favorite memories in my life. I was just so happy in that moment to spend time with him.

I could go on forever...memories from when my nephew and niece were born, when I saw my oldest brother again after almost 2 years, memories with my grandparents, and a hundred silly memories in between.

Sometimes we seem to think that life is made up of the huge extraordinary moments where you're doing something amazing. But what I've found is that life is amazing because of the simpler moments in between. The quiet moments in a comfortable relationship, the surprises that you didn't see coming, and just simply the moments where you're connected with the people around you. Those are the moments where we find ourselves because that's when we feel true joy; joy in loving others and feeling understood ourselves. You never set out to make these moments happen, but they do, and that's what is so beautiful about them because they represent the true nature of life; life happens the way it's going to and the way that things turn out depends on your reaction to the circumstances you wouldn't have expected.

So rather than trying so hard to be everything we think we have to be for people around us who are too busy thinking about themselves and who THEY have to be, why don't we just spend more time living? Why don't we spend more time loving those around us and learning about ourselves through the process? Life is just too good to miss, no matter what is thrown at you.

Aurora.

Sometimes you just need to sit in it. You need to read the names of the victims and see their pictures and read too many details about what happened.

You need to live it through in your own small way, just to catch a glimpse of it.

On days like this where the lives of people were taken for no reason, we can either ignore it because it wasn't anyone we know, or we can acknowledge that just because it wasn't us or someone we know, it was still people that we are connected to. The people that died early this morning in Denver were people that many of us actually would be connected with through friends of friends of friends. Children, young people figuring out life the same way we are, and people who maybe were a little further along in life. Whether we knew them or not, that doesn't make it any less significant.

I was working all day today and although I saw on my phone that something had happened, I didn't know any details of what exactly went on. And so when I got home and saw the news and saw the video and saw his picture...it hit me.

It hit me like it was someone that I know. Like they were people that I care about. Because they are people. And people are precious to the God who made each one of us.

The God who knows more details about each individual than the nightly news could ever provide.

And the God who created them hates the sin that is in this world that caused this to happen.

Life is just so sad sometimes. It doesn't make sense and it hurts and it is just plain scary. They were going to the movies. Up to this point, I have never thought twice about doing that same thing. But now? Going to the movies will feel different. Because evil doesn't have boundaries. Evil does not stop at the doors of a place that is meant for recreation and save its deeds for a scene of war. Evil does not draw a line of what cannot be touched before it enters a school or a church or a family's home. Evil permeates this world.

Things like this have happened before, and inevitably will happen again. What matters is what we do with it. What matters is that we spend a little time remembering the people who were lost, and grieving for that loss. Even though we didn't lose that person necessarily, we all have lost some peace. Because it could have been us just as easily. We need to recognize that and consider it. We need to let the stories that come out touch us, because they should. These were real people, real friends and sons and daughters and brothers and sisters that were lost.

More than that, this should be a reminder that this world is not the home that was intended for us. And on days like this, I find myself thinking more certainly, "Jesus, come quickly."

Lately.

Here's what I have been up to lately.

Monday and Tuesday I helped my aunt Helen paint her kitchen, change out the hardware on the cabinets and hang some pictures. This was all great, except for when I was standing on the counter painting above the kitchen window and holding the paint tray and talking about how I was accident-prone and I looked down and paint was spilling all over the step-stool and floor and counter. Yeah. That happened.

Luckily, I have an awesome aunt who not only did not get upset, but laughed. So we just laughed about it and I frantically started cleaning and apologizing and giving the step-stool a shower. And my cousin walked by the bathroom and saw me drying off the stool after I had rinsed and scrubbed it like a crazy person. And we just busted out laughing. It was just an exciting little episode.

But we got a lot done while I was there with them and we went to a great Mexican restaurant as well as a not-as-great Chinese buffet where the waiters were so eager to take away used plates that they were basically staring at you the entire meal, and we got to hear the song Unbreak My Heart not once, but twice. And I tried to tell my aunt, uncle, and cousin about the television shows I had watched the night before, but all that did was reinforce my belief that I am a horrible story teller. If I'm not writing it out, it is complete rubbish. Yes, rubbish. Which leads me to what I did last week, which was watch a lot of movies with British speaking people, such as all the Harry Potter movies and an adaptation of Northanger Abbey which was wonderful.

My dad's birthday was yesterday, so last night we had a nice seafood dinner at home complete with crab cakes, fish, scallops, and shrimp. Also, that Hershey pie that they sell at the grocery store which is divine. But enough about food.

I've been buying things for going back to school, as well as gathering things to take and hopefully sell tomorrow to give me more money to buy new things. I'm such a hoarder when it comes to clothes, and I typically hang on to clothes that I really actually hate, and I tell myself that surely I might wear it someday. And then I don't. So, now is the time to get rid of those clothes tomorrow and I am very excited. Also today I found a beautiful Vera Bradley bag on sale for less than half price so you better believe I snatched that thing up, and I am selling an old one tomorrow to balance out.

My dog is as cute as ever, and as excited as I am about getting back to college, I am not looking forward to leaving him. Even if he is at times way too loud and even though he steals little things and hides under chairs in the dining room to destroy them, I still completely adore him. Everything he does is cute. I am in love. You can tell because I have 200 pictures of him on my phone. But I am really trying to soak up every minute with him before I leave.

Life is pretty relaxed right now, for a few more weeks. I finish up my two online classes next week, and then I have 2 weeks before school starts during which I will be visiting family, packing like crazy, going to a Kelly Clarkson concert, and holding Asher as much as possible. But I am SO excited to get back to college & see my long lost bff's. It's gonna be great.

Enough for now! Seinfeld is on. Gotta prioritize.

2 AM reflections.

It's just shy of 2 AM. And while my ocean sounds are playing loud and clear on my clock radio, I am not asleep. So why not write about it. Not sure what "it" is, but we'll see what comes out.

It is now July 12th which means that I am a month and a day away from moving back to college. And who would have ever dreamed with how last semester was that I would ever be this excited to get back. But I definitely am. I miss my friends. I miss my cozy room. I miss doing laundry on Saturday mornings and watching The Nanny. I even miss the bookstore and the occasional cute boys that come in and are nice to me. They're one of my favorite parts.

But for now, for another month at least, I'm here at home. With completely unreliable work, and soon to be 12 extra credit hours under my belt thanks to my online classes. So it hasn't been a completely wasted summer. Definitely hasn't changed my life, but it's been somewhat productive. Not job-wise. But I'm almost caught up through season 2 of How I Met Your Mother, so I'm going to just pretend that that's an accomplishment I can be proud of.

I'm really ready to have a year that's "my year". One where things turn around and maybe start getting better. I want to find new friends that I adore and I want to find some handsome guy that maybe likes me a little bit, and Lord knows I am desperately hoping to make some money. And because I just read that last sentence, just because I want new friends does not mean that I don't like the ones I have now. I adore them. I would just like a few more to add to the mix. And definitely more of the male variety. We need more of those in our group. Preferably single ones, just saying. We've had enough of the bff's boyfriend type to last me for a while, thanks. Help me out here, Lord.

Until the new semester begins, (which should probably be called the Wondrous Fall or something like that to show it that I really have faith that it will be good) I'm just going to try not to lose my mind. And I'm going to squeeze in as much family time as possible, because so far those days where we get to do things have been my favorite days.

I feel like college so far has been a two-year constant nagging feeling like I'm on the verge of something, but never ever reaching what the something actually is. I've been flirting with the edge for 2 years now. And college is great and all, but I just know that there is more to be seen than what I have seen so far. And no, it is not simply more episodes of How I Met Your Mother.

One day I might look back on these days that I am tiring of, and wish I had them back. I probably will because that's how life goes. But right now I'm just ready for something else. Something new. Someone new? Because some of the people (read: guys) lingering in my head need to be nudged out by better ones. It's just time.

But until those new times wander in, I'll just be here listening to John Mayer and believing that my best days really are ahead. Because sometimes having hope in something ahead is the only way to make it through a less than peaceful night.

Oh, right, I have a blog.

So, even though I'm absolutely positive that no one killed themselves or blew anything up as a result of my failure to write the past nine months, I still must acknowledge that I have not written in here in NINE MONTHS. Which is crazy. And no, I didn't have a kid or something crazy like that. Thought I should mention that since that's the first thing that would come to someone's mind when I haven't written in nine months. Anyway...

It's been a long time, and while I have not written in here, I have definitely still been writing. It's just what I do. It's what I love to do. But I know that hardly anyone reads what I write in here, so I decided to take an approach that made more sense and just write for myself. But, who cares if anyone's reading it or not? I knew while I was writing the other blogs that hardly anyone was reading, and I was still writing. And after a good long break, I'm just ready to start back. There are so many things happening these days that it seems like a great idea to keep track of it on here.

So for the sake of explaining how things are now: I am at home for the summer. I changed my major to Business Admin. last semester so over the summer I have been doing classes online to catch up and be on schedule to graduate on time, and also babysitting. I've already finished two classes and I started another two last week. I'm preparing to go back to school in August, and more excited to get back this year than any other year so far. It's just gonna be that good. And I've been able to do some really fun things this summer which has been so great!

And here we are. Halfway through 2012, with half a year's worth of experiences to go. And this time next year I will actually have blogs to look back at to remember it. :)

I hope that anyone who stumbles across this will enjoy something that they may find here! It is just good to write, no matter who reads it.