The little ledge before real life.

It's Saturday afternoon. I'm sitting in my dorm room that's a little too cold, on a fall day that's a little too dreary. Days like this, I wish that I could be home cuddled up on our big couch with my little dog curled up with me.

These days, I'm counting down the days until Christmas break, and after that I'll be counting down the days until graduation. I'm on this weird little ledge right before "real life" begins. Because, supposedly that begins after college.

But really, I know that that's not true. This is real life, right now. These are the years that I have spent learning about people and learning about how to be on my own. These are the years that I have been able to spend with my best friends from childhood, and also make some new friends that are now counted among the closest people in my life. These are the years where friends become family, when you're apart from your family for the first time. When I leave this place, I will leave with a strong sense of who I am, and confidence in who I've grown to be. Before college my confidence was tied to my family, my home base. That's still where my foundation is. But it's also grown to be rooted in who I've found myself to be, and who I know I can grow to be in the future.

College isn't the ticket anymore to be guaranteed success in life; my professors tell us this every day. Tons of people go to college these days. But my experience in going to college has given me more understanding, not just about books, but about life. About how to be human. About what other humans are like, even if it's not pretty sometimes.

Life after college will be filled with decisions that will lead me a little further along my story, whether that means a few states away or thousands of miles. But wherever those decisions take me, I'm glad that I made the decision first to go to college.

I'm so thankful for this experience, and what it's shown me, more about myself than about life. When I was getting ready to go to college, I was excited about getting to know new people, which has been a great thing about it. But more than that, I got to know myself. That's priceless.

The beauty of the moment.

I just returned home today from roughly 10 1/2 weeks (basically 11) working at Camp Greystone for the summer. It's hard for me to find words to describe it, or at least enough time or space. I learned so many things this summer that will stay with me throughout my life, I met incredible friends who made every moment so much fun, and I got to teach and watch over some absolutely precious girls who absolutely amazed me with some of the things they said. Not to mention playing with puppies EVERY DAY at dog camp. Best job ever? Pretty much.

The best thing I learned this summer is about living in the moment. The age that we live in right now is constantly pulling you in at least six directions thanks to all the technological distractions that are always vying for our attention. But this summer, I got to have conversations with people who weren't checking their texts mid-sentence. We got to know each other without perpetual interruptions from the outside. I had 11 weeks worth of moments to just experience what was right in front of me, whether I was paddle-boarding or canoeing on the lake, having a dance party while we swept the dining hall, or just laughing together. It was so glorious. Do I now feel a little out of touch since I'm back in the "real world"? Yes. But it's so worth it.

What I love about camp is that everyone is excited about everything. I will never forget singing Party in the USA and Firework on the 4th of July in the dining hall. Or the multiple dance parties in the rain. We just had fun, no matter what it was. We wrote silly songs in guitar class, we talked in funny accents, and we just laughed SO MUCH. I just loved every minute of it.

What a blessing to simplify things for a few weeks, and remember how good that can be. There are so many things we miss when we're focused on too many things. I just want to stay in this mindset where I have time to notice the little things. And I just never want to forget any moment of this summer. What a blessing to have found Greystone! God is so good, and this chapter was just incredible.

More than this.

Sometimes I get so caught up. And I don't get caught up in things that are actually going on in my life, but I get caught up in wondering what in the world is going to happen in the future. Like a year from now, for example, when I actually need to probably have some sort of direction of where I want to go.

The world that we live in constantly throws images at us that show us how perfect our lives should be. Pinterest has me in a constant state of dreaming of how I can live in a perfectly organized, beautiful house, complete with whimsical nooks and hidden hideaways, and designer furniture. Don't even get me started on how Pinterest makes me want to travel for the rest of my life and never come home. Facebook tries to show me how wonderful the lives of all my friends are (I could write an entire blog just on this). The point is, we kind of always want more. And as a college student who is one year away from completion, I'm in a constant state of wondering exactly how to get it all. Of course, I know in my heart that the stuff doesn't matter. But being happy does. At my very core is a constant fear that I will look back in 50 years and regret all of the experiences that I never had. So here I am, past 1 AM on a Thursday night, worrying about this very thing. Wondering how I will choose the right job, or choose how to continue my education after I graduate from North Greenville, or God forbid how to choose the right husband (again...another blog could be written).

The thing is, underneath all of my worrying, and feeling as if don't measure up, and wondering if I ever will, is a voice that pushes through. From behind all the rest of it comes a voice that reminds me that "There is more." And I know that. I know that in my heart there is so much more. The stuff doesn't matter. The house won't matter. All the temporary things WON'T MATTER. What will matter are the relationships, and the memories of how I felt about the things that I did. Which leaves me with the choices of what I will do.

For now, I don't know what I'll do. I have no idea where I will be a year from now, besides the fact that I will have graduated college. I don't want to predict anything more than that, because I have seen in the last year more than any other just how much one's life can change in a short amount of time. I do know, however, that a year from now, there will still be more important things than what job I take and where I live. My relationship with my Creator will still outweigh everything else. That is where my focus needs to be; not on trying to figure things out, but on getting to know Him more every day, and letting Him show me the way to go.

I know that I can't be alone in feeling like I don't measure up to where I'm supposed to be. And the thing is, I'm thankful for it because it pushes me to strive to grow. But I also hope that I don't always feel this way. I hope that I can push through these distractions, and learn more and more to focus on what really matters. And that isn't having the picture perfect life; it's living the story that God has written just for me. When Jesus breaks through the chaos and whispers to you that there is "more than this," don't ignore it. Believe it. And trust Him to show you what all of that "more" is.

The beginning of the end.

I haven't written anything on here since the end of last semester, and now I'm at the end of another one. It's amazing how different this semester was from last one, and how different I am from who I was then. It turns out that a whole lot can change in a matter of a few months.

This semester I have learned so much.
I have learned that it is much better to be happy and on your own than unhappy and not alone.
I have learned that the people you have been able to rely on all along are the people you should stick with.
I have learned that some people come into your life for a season, and not to stay. But that that's alright, and everything has a purpose.
I have learned that I am more independent than I realized...or maybe I just grew into it. Either way, I'm confident that I can be on my own and be happy with it.

I have learned that I have a long way to go in learning how to love others. I'm not always the friend that I want to be, but I'm learning. I have also learned not to measure myself against others as far as friendship; just because someone else isn't being a good friend doesn't give me a free pass to not try. We should only measure ourselves against Jesus, and He doesn't give up on people. I don't want to either. At the same time, sometimes you have to realize that it's time to move on if someone isn't willing to try. Forgive them, and pray for them, but move on.

We can learn a great deal from our challenges, and we need to. Nothing is handed to us without a purpose. Challenges also have a way of making us appreciate things that we take for granted when things are good. We can get so easily distracted with newness that we forget what we already have. But I've been reminded this semester that I already have so much, and now I have even more because I've grown myself.

In a few short days I'll be done with exams and officially a senior. In college. Pretty sure that makes me old. It's the beginning of the end. The sentimentalness is already on high from me, a whole year early. But after all of this is over, I'm so ready for whatever is coming. This summer is going to be incredible, and I can't wait to meet new friends and see what else God is going to teach me.

Another semester is done.

Despite some strong doubts I had this week in the midst of finals, I finished my fifth semester of college yesterday. I now have less time to go in college than what's behind me. Over halfway done, people! Insanity. I feel old.

This semester was so incredible. I could try to think of other words to convey that to you, but I'd rather describe the incredulity of it all. Less than four months ago, I pulled up to my familiar dorm to meet some unfamiliar faces and start a new year. And on that day, I met two people who are now a lot more like sisters than anything else. On top of all that, I got to keep my favorite redheaded roommate from last year as a suitemate, and along with her roommate we formed a nice little group. Add to that my RA from last year and there you have my circle of friends from this semester. It was such a transition to go from spending all of my time with my best friend Emily and childhood friend Lindsey (who I'll hopefully be able to spend more time with next semester) to always being with another group of people. But life is full of transitions, and with crazy schedules and a generally busy semester for everyone, things happened like they did. I had plenty of time to get to know these wonderful people, and I am so thankful that God brought them into my life. This semester was admittedly not my strongest academically (not for a perfectionist, anyway), but I absolutely enjoyed it more than any other because of who I got to experience it with.

Now, we're three weeks from Christmas. And I have 6 weeks before I have to go back to school, which is crazy on its own. But I've got plenty of time to have fun, and that is what I'm going to try to do before diving into this next semester! Next week I'm headed to North Carolina with Kerry to stay with/spend time with Jessica and Holly. After that, it's wide open. But hopefully it will be a relaxing, enjoyable break.

God is teaching me so much about trusting Him. Let's be honest. It's not an easy thing. There are so many things about my life that the control freak in me freaks out about. Things like finding a job for next semester and what I need to do over the summer as either a job or internship. The truth is though, this is real life. Some things will always be up in the air, and when those things get figured out, there will be new things to face. We just have to remember that we're not in control. It's a terrifying and simultaneously freeing truth. Honestly, I'm so afraid of looking back in the years to come and feeling that I failed. I don't want to miss chances or opportunities and regret it later. I'm learning to take leaps of faith. I have to learn to step out on as many limbs as it takes, and to trust Him because He's got a view of the whole picture that I do not. The things that worry me today are things that He already has completely planned for me. His plans serve greater purposes than the goals I'm trying to achieve. Most importantly, He loves me and He WILL take care of me. It just takes a few more reminders some days than others.

All I know is that 8 or 9 months ago, I was a wreck. And somehow I pushed through it and God brought me through to where I am now, and blessed me so tremendously along the way with people that love me and are here to walk with me through it all. If I can just keep trusting Him, He will bring me through anything else that comes up.

I serve a wonderful God, and He is not finished growing me.

Progress.

I'm home for the first time in eight weeks. And let me tell you, it feels weird. After being at school for so long and being used to being there, it is just kind of strange. It was even weird yesterday when I would see my dog come into the room. It didn't feel real after being away from him for so long.

Today I got to have lunch with my best friend from high school, Lauren. We went to eat Mexican food and sat across the table getting updated on each other's lives. And it is incredible how different things are now. Every piece of my life seems to be changing. And the girl writing this right now is not a fan of change, my friends. I've been known to have a hard time with it. But all of these changes are so good. God is so good. And He is taking care of me, and I know with absolute certainty that I'm absolutely right where I'm supposed to be when I'm at school. God has given me friends this year that feel a lot more like family, and I can't even describe how amazing that is.

I know that I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm finally turning into the girl I've wanted to be for a long time. And that is an incredible feeling.

Things are just finally looking up, and that is such a blessing.

Full.

Call it a girl thing. But sometimes you just have those days where you're constantly on the edge of breaking down in tears about twice every five minutes. For almost no reason. I'm pretty sure that if someone came up to me and hugged me today I would have lost it.

And it's not even that I'm necessarily sad. It's more of a fullness. An emotional fullness. Something like being overwhelmed. Not just with the bad, but with the good.

Today I am just reminded that God is faithful. I was sitting in math class and for some reason remembered way back to when my dad would come to eat lunch with me when I was in elementary school about 10 minutes away from where I now attend college. He would bring whatever I wanted from some restaurant - usually Subway, because I love sandwiches as much as any man - and we would go and sit across the road at a concrete table and have lunch together. This memory came to me in the middle of my statistics class. And as I'm sitting there trying not to burst into tears from the preciousness of it all, I was just overwhelmed with how blessed I am to have my father. Not everyone has one that loves them like my father loves me. And sometimes I forget it.

This past Sunday was Grandparents' Day, which left me as a mess on Sunday too. My dad's mom has been gone 8 years, my dad's dad almost 6 years, and my mom's mom three years this week. I'm not exaggerating when I say I miss them every minute of every day. I was so blessed to have them for the years that I did, and I only wish I had had more time.

On top of all these things, I am homesick and missing my parents. And my little dog. Which is not unusual, but adds another layer.

And the top layer on this extremely emotional mess of a cake is complete and utter thankfulness for the friends that God has brought to me recently. I am so incredibly blessed, and I do not take that for granted after the times when I have felt alone here at school.

God is just so good, friends. He is so good. I can't get over it. I am writing this in my weepy state, and listening to music proclaming the truth about the God that I am blessed to call mine. He has brought me this far, which is amazing on its own, and yet He continues to carry me further. Step by step. I have known a lot about God from the time I was little, thanks to a Christian upbringing. But the further I continue on this road, I just realize in my heart more than my head, how good and real and close to me He really is. And all I can do is cry. And He's here for that part, too. And day by day, I will choose to love Him for that, and everything else that He is, because He is everything.